Hellooooooooooo, everybody! We here at The Trash Report are thrilled to be bringing you this Very Special column for the Mercury’s PRIDE issue. While we usually cover all kinds of gossip and intrigue, this edition is limited to LGBTQs IN THE NEWS! 
I hope you’re hungry… for trash.

Target stores throughout the country are declining to put out Pride merch this year due to a bunch of loud homophobes getting triggered by… rainbows? Inclusivity? Their own repressed sexualities, probably? I’m not really sure what Target thinks they’re getting away with by pulling the Pride-specific merchandise and leaving the whole rest of the store, which is like 90 percent gay already. A big box store can’t offer such a wide variety of muscle tees, reusable water bottles, clothes for pets, and candles without at least being questioning.

Speaking of capitalism and its iron grip on the Culture, the website Pride.com compiled a report on how much RuPaul’s Drag Race participants spent in their quest to become the next drag superstar, with some (Heidi N Closet, Kahanna Montrese) shelling out a whopping $40,000 on clothes, wigs, and more while preparing for the show. At the same time, Trixie Mattel—arguably the most famous queen to emerge from the franchise—only spent about $600 for her own season. You know what they say: Money can’t buy class, but it can buy great wigs, so you simply have to decide what kind of queen you want to be and budget accordingly. (This will look great on any decorative pillow, I guarantee it!) Do we celebrate drag becoming so mainstream that it’s become its own economy now, or lament that expecting aspiring stars to have tens of thousands of dollars at the ready is a requirement to gaining entry into the art form? And how inclusive is it, really, if poor people can’t participate? I don’t know! Of course, I buy drug store mascara and still wear clothes I bought in college, and my boobs came free with my body; I have no idea what a queen puts in her cart to hit $40,000. 

Pop Girlies: Gay!

Sultry-voiced pop star Billie Eilish just put out her third album while also leaning fully into her queer identity, telling Rolling Stone, “I realized I wanted my face in a vagina.” That’s a big step! I hope that promoting her album and talking about eating pussy doesn’t take too much time away from actually eating pussy. That said, I’ve got an issue with her first single, “Lunch,” in which she sings “I could eat that girl for lunch.” In American culture, lunch tends to be the lightest meal of the day! What gives, Billie? You could eat a girl like what—a salad? Like a freakin’ cup of soup and half a sandwich? Safe to say, I am anxiously awaiting her next single, “Dinner Buffet, and I’m Wearing Soft Pants.” Now THAT will be a meal.

Trash Break

It wouldn’t be a Trash Report without at least a little bit of garbage, so let’s turn to our problematic fave, Pope Francis. Word got out that he recently used an Italian slur for gay men, which isn’t shocking for an organization such as the Catholic Church. However, it does have potential to be a harbinger of fun: He uttered the slur in what was meant to be a closed-door meeting with bishops, and the fact that at least one of them is getting loose-lipped with the press is foretelling juicy drama for us! I hope they spill all the tea, or… blood of Christ, or whatever those freaks in the Vatican drink. Ignoring the deeply upsetting views on homosexuality (and women’s bodily autonomy, and a bunch of other stuff), isn’t it actually kind of funny that this level of homophobia comes from a guy whose entire vibe is gowns and ornate hats?

In other absolutely reeking hot garbage, a trans girl from McDaniel High School was booed after winning a statewide track event in Eugene last month. What could honestly be going on in someone’s life to feel so personally victimized by a very fast teenager? Is this Looney Tunes? Was she all “meep meep” and then made you chase her off the side of the cliff, at which point you looked down and fell into a ravine? I literally cannot imagine another possible way where any other person is in any way negatively impacted by her victory. “But the other girls she ran against!” say the dummies. “They should have won!” Oh yeah? What if instead of the gold medal in a state high school championship they won something even more valuable, which is learning that running is way too hard and walking is easier and still gets ya there?

History: Gay, gay, gay!

Last month marked 20 years since Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex couples to marry. The traditional gift for 20th wedding anniversaries is china, presumably because at this point in a marriage, if you’re gonna throw shit at each other, you’ve already done it… so now you can have nice plates? I don’t know. In honor of the milestone, the city of Boston is offering tours of gay history. Without having been on the tour myself, I can only guess what kind of information is revealed. I’ve always figured that the founding fathers were absolute freaks—keep in mind, most of them were like 20 years old and drunk all the time—it would be cool to have information to back this up! If you’re in Boston, check it out, and tag us on Instagram so we can get a proper sense of how quaint and picturesque all the places where Henry David Thoreau had crushes on dudes were. I went to Boston once and I remember there being historical plaques fucking everywhere; I like the idea that some of them say (or should say!) “here’s where Henry David Thoreau made out with another guy, probably.”

Politics: One word: GAY.

Tiger King star, convicted felon, and presidential hopeful Joe Exotic recently sat down with Newsweek (in jail, where he’s serving 19 years for selling tigers, and for trying to get Carole Baskin killed) to share his views on hot button topics like guns, abortion, and underwear. On abortion, he said “I will go along with one abortion;” on guns, he said “I’m not going to let you have a machine gun.” Most importantly, on underwear, Exotic said “The Pride parades with people in G-strings and such is not OK with me while little kids are in the crowd.” But Joe’s gonna be in jail for a long time, so do whatever you want!

That takes us to the end of this Very Special Column. Please know that in researching this piece, I have been googling “gay news” for weeks, so my targeted ads have reached new levels of glittery rainbow horniness; I would like to thank the LGBTQ community for the joy you have brought me, specifically. But also, thank you for reading, for sharing, for living, for loving, and for doing what you do to make Portland wonderful.

Yours always,