Dear Lizzy,

I’m an emotional person – I always have been and when I get upset, happy, angry, hurt, etc., I cry. Not losing my temper, not blubbering or unable to speak. Tears just slip from my eyes and I can’t stop them. I spent so many years hating myself for this and trying to stop what other people told me was a defect in me as a person, but after 44 years and lots of therapy, I’ve accepted that my body cries to release tension and that’s just a part of who I am.

Over the years, this issue has made it difficult for me to navigate professional situations in the workplace. People who are unemotional or not empathetic are very uncomfortable when someone cries, and their discomfort is always my fault and to them, it means that my decisions, quality of work, and value as a coworker suddenly become so much less, even if my work is stellar.

As someone who worked very hard for their college degree and who has come surprisingly far despite facing many challenges that a lot of other people thankfully never have to face, it’s hard for me to accept that I can’t work in an office environment or my efforts will never be taken seriously because once or twice a month, I cry because something bad happened.

What’s your take on this? Should someone like me just accept that I can’t have a higher level, well-paying job or do I just jump from job to job because I’ll never be respected as a valuable employee?

A Crier

Dear A Crier,

I cry, too.

Within the last two months, I have cried in front of both of my bosses, in fact. I’ve cried in the office. I’ve cried interviewing people. It’s not just in professional settings that I cry, of course. I’ve cried on the bus. I’ve cried reading children’s books. I once cried so hard on a plane that the flight attendant clearly thought someone close to me had just died (I was just done with a particularly emotional visit to a friend).

I used to be so embarrassed by my crying, but then I realized something: Most people actually don’t care. I mean, they care because they care that another human is feeling feelings, but they don’t hold it against me.

Consider this: If a coworker was talking to you about something that was important to them and started crying, would you stop taking them seriously? I doubt you would!

So why do you assume people don’t take you seriously?

I’ve cried pretty much every time I’ve asked for a raise and guess what? At least 80% of the time, I got the raise.

I’ve cried in front of my bosses, yes, but I’ve also talked to them while crying and we figured out the issue and resolved it. They didn’t stop listening to me because I was crying, just like I don’t stop listening to someone because they are crying just like you don’t.

If you feel like people are not respecting you because you sometimes cry, I don’t think you need to jump from job to job but I do think you might need to find a job with better people.

Another idea, when you’re on the hunt for a job: Maybe look for something with a larger work-from-home component. I find I cry less when I am not face-to-face in the real world (though I say “less,” and definitely not “none”).

And finally, a fellow crier and editor I work with offered this: “Talk to your bosses about this element of your personality. Reassure them that it’s just how your body works, and it doesn’t mean you’re out of control or incapable of leadership. It just means you feel things deeply, and that’s a great quality in a leadership position.”

Good luck!

Lizzy

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