DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please advise me on the proper way for individuals to serve themselves when passing dishes at a family-style dinner?

My mother emphasized that when one says, “Please pass the rolls,” and the breadbasket is passed around the table, the requester should accept the breadbasket in their hands with polite thanks and then hold it or set it down before selecting a roll.

Consequently, I find myself feeling surprised and irritated when I’m the one extending the breadbasket to the requester and they take a roll -- quite often without an expression of thanks -- and happily begin buttering it while I am left holding the basket. I’m then responsible for finding a place to set it down before I can resume my meal.

Can you please advise the correct protocol in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Family-style dinners are, by definition, informal. But Miss Manners believes that the rules for passing plates are flexible largely because platters are not -- and there is never sufficient open table space where it is needed.

The non-negotiable points, then, are: Do not leave grandparents -- or anyone else -- straining to lift something heavier than they are; do not leave anyone holding anything hot; if there is no way for people to serve themselves, offer to help -- usually by holding the tray steady. Lastly, thanks are always welcome.

Sometimes the item being offered is not worth the mess that will result getting it onto your plate.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.