Dear Eric: I’ve been seeing my partner for more than a year. They’re over 40, noncommittal and “don’t know what [they] want out of life”. I’m in my late 30s and definitely want to cohabitate and consider parenthood. How do I deal with my partner?

– Noncommittal Committed

Dear Committed: It’s time for a state-of-the-union conversation. While no one can force a partner (or friend or relative) to make goals or find purpose, you can be frank about the ways that your partner’s equivocation is affecting you. It’s fair to ask your partner if their not knowing what they want out of life includes being unsure about a future for the two of you.

Share with your partner what your goals are and how your partner fits into those goals and then ask if what you see down the road lines up with the view through their windshield. If you’re serious and your partner isn’t there yet, posing the question and talking through the answer could prompt a decision.

Now, be aware that their decision could be more not-deciding. Your partner’s malaise may be a rut that they’re not prepared to get out of yet. Asking questions and follow-ups like “would you want to work with someone like a coach to help think this through” may get you answers if your partner is ready. But only if.

Kara Loewentheil, author of The New York Times bestseller “Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head – and How to Get It Out” gave me a useful perspective. “Someone else’s indecision only impacts us to the extent that we hold ourselves hostage to it. If someone else is treading water, so to speak, then you have to make a decision yourself. You can decide to give up on the undertaking and tread water with them, or you can decide to strike out towards shore on your own. 

The worst thing you can do is try to push them into making a decision when they are unable or unwilling; that struggle is how you both will drown.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.